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What’s the Deal with Habit? How Habits Work and How to Apply this Knowledge for Lasting Change in Your Life

9/30/2019

By: Erika Fehrenbach Prell

Did you know that habits are actually an important evolution of brain function? The brain likes to make any routine into a habit to save effort. This allows the brain to take a break and not have to think about these basic behaviors. This ability is one of the differences between human brains and animal brains. The brain connects a sequence of actions into an automatic routine; these routines become our habits. By understanding how habits develop, you can develop strategies to work with your brain, instead of against it, which will increase your success in changing your habits and behaviors.

There is a 3 step cycle to habit formation. There is a cue, which tells your brain to go into automatic mode and which habit to use. Next comes the routine, which are the actions triggered by the cue. These actions can be physical, mental, or emotional. Not all habits are doing something; they can be a feeling that is triggered instead. The final piece is the reward, which is what we get after the routine is carried out. This helps your brain decide if this cycle is worth remembering; so, a better reward might increase the chance a habit forms. With repetition and time this behavior cycle becomes automatic, resulting in a habit. Because it is automatic, the brain stops actively thinking or decision making. Unless you do something to actively interrupt the habit cycle, the pattern happens automatically. Since habits are set brain pathways, they cannot be erased. Try as you might, once a habit is formed, it is there for good. Do not let this discourage you! It is possible to modify the habit. Two ways to do this would be to attach a new behavior to an established habit, or you can keep the same cue and reward but modify the routine or action.

Habits are a key piece when it comes to change. In the book “Atomic Habits” by James Clear, he describes there are 3 levels of change. Here’s an analogy to help describe this. Imagine an onion with three layers; these three layers represent these 3 levels of change. The outermost layer and most superficial level is the outcomes level; this focuses on results and what you get from an action. The middle layer is the processes level; this focuses on what you do and the systems you have in place. This is where many habits are formed. And, the innermost layer is the identity level; this is what you believe, both about yourself and your situation. The deeper the layer, the stronger commitment to changing the behavior.

The level of change analogy combined with the stages of change model give amazing insight on how to use your mindset to your advantage when trying to change a behavior. Let’s look at an example. Say you want to eat healthier. During the contemplation stage, or thinking about change stage, you brainstorm all the reasons why this is a good idea like losing weight, decreasing heart disease, decreasing blood pressure, reducing your risk of diabetes, and consuming less preservatives and additives.You start to prepare for the change by goal setting, meal planning, researching new recipes, and finding an accountability group online. You move into the action phase and put your plans into motion. Everything is going well for a few weeks. You have lost weight, you feel better, and you realize that this is not as hard as you thought. But, something strange happens! Old habits start creeping in. Things like getting fast food one night or having ice cream at night with the justification that it is “just this time”; before you have gotten close to the maintenance stage, where a new behavior has stuck and is just what you do, you have slid backwards into relapse and your old behaviors.

Sound familiar? What went wrong?

This is where the levels of change gives great insight into your mindset. During this example, most of the change in behavior was focused around outcomes and results, with hitting goals in mind. Once those goals were hit in the form of seeing results from losing weight and feeling better, your resolve to continue the change starts to weaken because this is not a deep commitment to the change; your brain is thinking “success! I did it”. A few of the changes might have touched on changing processes, and, ultimately, revising a habit. However, the slide back to old behaviors happened before a modified, or new, habit pattern could be established. The issue? The change did not hit the inner level, which is the most important, of identity and belief. For a change to really happen, you have to shift your belief. In this case, if you have not identified yourself as a healthy person, the foundation you are building your change strategy on is shaky at best! This is the key; change your belief, change your results.

Changing your mindset will not happen overnight. Fortunately, unlike habits, your mindset is not fixed. You can, and should, continually work on shifting your mindset and belief to support the new behavior change. As you start having success with your behavior change, your confidence will increase along with your belief. Strategies to help your mindset could include the following:

Positive affirmations like “I am healthy” or “I make healthy choices”
Recognizing new behaviors that support the new change like when you choose a healthy snack over an unhealthy one
Celebrating victories like weight loss, improved lab results, and feeling better
Filling your mind with supportive messages through books and podcasts
Reviewing your journey by recognizing where you started and how far you have already come
Visualizing how your will feel when you have attained your goal
Surrounding yourself with a positive and encouraging support system

I am sure you have heard the quote from Sir Francis Bacon, “Knowledge is Power”. It is simple but very true. Understanding how habits are formed, then using this knowledge, you can more successfully create the change you want to see in your life. Above all, enjoy the journey! Habits and the motivations behind them are unique to the individual, therefore, the exact strategy will be as well. This journey to change is sure to bring you insight and a deeper understanding of self. Shine on!

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Living and Loving Your Life’s Purpose. A Life Story. A Love Story. An Adoption Story.

9/26/2019

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By Jackie White

This month’s Life Story features Lori Tillock, CEO of Culinary Communications by trade and a wife, mom and friend by heart. She has been married to her husband Brad for 23 years and has 3 beautiful children Alex 17, Katie 14 and Xiang Bo 13.

Childhood and Purpose

Many times One’s passions in life can be traced back to things you liked to do in childhood. This was the case for Lori Tillock. Lori grew up cooking alongside her mom. They made new recipes together, baked and enjoyed the process of creating delicious dishes. Lori’s mom was not only an accomplished cook and baker she was actually employed in a test kitchen working on recipe development. Lori found that she shared her mom’s passion for cooking, baking and recipe development.

When Lori went off to college at the University of Illinois at Champaign, choosing a major was easy for her. She followed her passion in cooking. She chose to major in food and business and also in dietetics. Since she was so clearly focused, she took on several internships at large food companies such as Betty Crocker and Brachs. She even won a coveted internship with Pillsbury working on their Pillsbury Bake-Off. She found these real-life experiences very helpful because she got to know people were employed in her chosen field. These mentors were a great help as she focused in on her career path.

She began her professional career at UW Hospitals in Madison, Wisconsin, where she was a dietetic intern. She realized that once in that role, she preferred to be back in the kitchens developing recipes. She shifted sails and found herself employed in the Oscar Mayer test kitchens. She stayed with Oscar Mayer and, eventually, Kraft Foods for over 14 years. There, she developed recipes for Oscar Mayer deli meats, bacon and Kraft cheese products. It was a job she absolutely loved! She was doing what she loved and was working with great people. Lori is happy to have chosen following her passion in life. It has made her work life very enjoyable, and she does not regret her years of doing what she has always loved.

Love & Marriage
Here Comes Baby in the Baby Carriage

Lori married Brad in 1995 and soon thereafter was pregnant with her son Alex. He was born in 2002. He was a healthy baby, but unfortunately was diagnosed with food allergies. Lori learned quickly that parenting a child with food allergies carries a lot of stress and anxiety because a reaction could be life threatening. Lori found balancing work and having a child with special needs a tough balance to strike. There is stress, worry and proactive safety management of her son. True to Lori’s style, she immersed herself in learning about food allergy management, safe cooking methods, safe child care options and researched the best ways to manage food allergies. She became an expert. Leaving Alex with someone who wasn’t has versed in food allergies as herself was stressful, but it was necessary for Lori to return back to work.

Although Lori and Brad loved their careers, they realized they weren’t conducive to raising a family. They wanted to relocate closer to their families. When Lori researched the city they were relocating to, she realized having a job in the food industry was not going to happen. There just were not those opportunities there. As a result, Lori pursued getting an MBA and made a career change to work in the marketing field.

The Best Made Plans

The marketing job she took didn’t last long because Lori’s mother was diagnosed in 2004 with breast cancer. Lori was unable to take the time off from her new job to care for her mother and ultimately had a choice to make. The decision was how to manage her family, her mother and her job and like many women do, Lori began reframing her career so that she could care for her mother. This was the catalyst that directed Lori to return to her passion in food and start her own company called Culinary Communications. By doing this she was able to pick and choose the jobs she would take so that she was available for her mother. She was ultimately thankful to find her way back to her first love in food.

Career Advising

Starting her own business is never easy but doing it under such stressful circumstances amplified the difficulty. As Lori looks back on how her education and career has unfolded, Lori feels that her internships were very helpful guides, but she wished someone would have mentioned that if you desire to have a family one day, think about how flexible your career could be for you to manage both a career and a family. Having tried stepping outside her passion briefly, she says she would not recommend it. Work becomes just that, work. When you are pursuing your passion you are feeling fulfilled and that’s important.

Family Expansion, a World Away

It was about this time Lori and her husband wanted to expand their family. As if Lori didn’t have enough to manage she went through a series of heartbreaking miscarriages, only to be ultimately diagnosed with secondary infertility. This news was devastating, but through every rain cloud there can be a ray of light. After a few years of waiting, Lori and Brad’s light was shining from across the world in a little girl from China. Kaitlyn Annamei joined their family in 2006. Lori’s mom was able to travel to help receive Kaitlyn when she arrived. It is a memory that Lori will cherish forever.

Even though Baby Katie was born a world away, it is clear, she was meant to be Lori and Brad’s daughter. She fulfilled a need they had in expanding their family and planted another seed of purpose.

Upon welcoming their new baby girl into the family, Lori and Brad put in paperwork for another baby from China since the wait was seemingly getting longer. Lori said her eyes were opened through adoption to the large number of children waiting for families. She knew that her hardship of years of trying to conceive were directing her to a purpose she didn’t know she had. She felt the strong pull to adopt again from China, but it was getting more and more difficult.

While still waiting for another child from China, Lori’s mom passed in 2011. It was already 5 years, and they were still waiting for their next child. They began to expand their search for another child, and, in 2017, they were notified they qualified to be part of a program that hosted older children from China. That’s when they met 11 year old Xiang Bo. He was the child that they had been searching for. They didn’t know he was going to show up in the form of a spunky 11 year old boy who had spent his entire life in an orphanage. Adopting an older child is not for the faint of heart, and, when they threw their hat in the ring to add this boy to their family, they didn’t do it without significant contemplation and commitment.

Xiang Bo stayed with them for 3 weeks and in that time, they began to bond with this boy. Unfortunately, the program he came to America with, required him to return to China and the orphanage until the adoption paperwork could get processed. Lori was familiar with the Chinese orphanages and to return this boy, her son, to that situation was almost too much to bear. They did the best they could to cope by Facetiming him and send him letters and gifts to let him know they didn’t forget him.

More Change Isn’t Always Good

While they waited for paperwork to clear, they decided to sell their current home and build a new house to better accommodate the family. Building a house isn’t always the easiest way to move, especially when during the build, the contractor leading the build dies. This was terrible not only because the man lost his life, but also because building came to a crashing halt. Lori was panicked because they had to have a completed home to bring Xiang Bo home and without that, he could not be adopted. Thankfully, the build was ultimately delayed only 2 months. However, during that same time period, Brad’s sister unexpectedly passed away. It was unbelievably sad and stressful. As 2017 came to a tumultuous close, Lori’s family finally moved into their home and was given the green light to make plans to come get Xiang Bo!

Perspective and Proactivity

The stress of all the change and waiting and unexpected deaths was almost more than Lori could handle. She battled migraines and did her best to take care of herself and her family. Lori reflected on that time, “Probably the biggest motivator for me through our most difficult times of change in the last few years was this little boy, who needed us so much. We were working through everything with a goal in mind, and if getting a kid out of a Chinese orphanage isn’t motivation, I’m not sure what is. I still try to keep that perspective in the more challenging days”.

Only those close to Lori or those who have walked in her shoes of adopting an older child from another country can possibly understand the challenges posed by this type of adoption. Xiang Bo has been physically a part of Lori’s family now for almost two years. The family is settling into their new way of life and are grateful for the opportunity to have Xiang Bo.

Lori says proactively addressing issues through therapy has been a critical tool for everyone in the family to work through the extreme change and stress they were experiencing. She and Brad also were sure to schedule time together and with friends. At the time, leaving Xiang Bo with a sitter wasn’t an option because of his challenges, so they scheduled time individually to physically take a break.

When people ask Lori if she regrets her latest adoption journey she says no because this boy, her son, completes their family. She further explains “part of the motivation behind all of this change was seeing the change that needed to happen in the world…and I realized the number of children waiting for families in China, I knew I had to do more. We had relatively abundant resources compared to most of the world.” Lori also shares this parable to further explain:

One day, an old man was walking along a beach that was littered with thousands of starfish that had been washed ashore by the high tide. As he walked he came upon a young boy who was eagerly throwing the starfish back into the ocean, one by one.
Puzzled, the man looked at the boy and asked what he was doing. Without looking up from his task, the boy simply replied, “I’m saving these starfish, Sir”.
The old man chuckled aloud, “Son, there are thousands of starfish and only one of you. What difference can you make?”
The boy picked up a starfish, gently tossed it into the water and turning to the man, said, “I made a difference to that one!”

And, so she has made a difference in many ways, but especially to her family.

Thank you to Lori and her family for sharing their beautiful story of change, acceptance and love. Lori is a role model in life for many things including her compassion, her ability to act in the face of uncertainty, her dedication to her family and staying true to who she was always meant to be. I am lucky to call her a friend and fellow Fanilow, but that’s a story for another time.

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When Did You Begin to Fear Your Own Life?

9/23/2019

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By Jackie White

When did you begin to fear your own life? What huh?, You are thinking what could I possibly be talking about? I would venture to say that you have been chugging along in life and fear has been driving the bus. But know, it’s not just you! It’s all of us. Fear has a way of creeping in and stealing our dreams.

How does it happen? First of all, we grow up. Kids aren’t afraid to go for it. A story I recently heard was a little girl who was drawing a picture of God. The adult said to her “No one knows what God looks like, so how can you draw him?” The little girl said “They will when I am done!” That’s confidence. That’s no fear.

As we get older we start to experience failure or disapproval from others and Fear sticks his foot in the door. With every subsequent failure, Fear begins to chip away at you. Before you realize it, Fear has stepped in front of the doorway to your dreams. He is blocking you! Wait – how did that happen? You didn’t even see it coming! He has been stealthily building a wall that has not only blocked you from your dreams, it’s pushing you further away every day. Are you going to keep taking it? Come on, I know your tougher than that!

What’s the crux of all of this? Another F word: Failure! Failure is Fear’s best friend. Together they want to obliterate all that you have ever wanted to be. Ugh, sucker punch to the back! I bet you didn’t realize these two were in cahoots! Well, they are and they are really good at sneaking up on you.

Ok, Let’s talk about Failure. How did Failure become so bad, because to be honest Failure is actually good. Where did all this start? Well, likely in school. Remember when you didn’t pass a test and you would get a big fat F? Remember that sinking feeling? I distinctly remember getting a very large “Thumbs Down” image on my 3rd grade math papers. That year Fear crept in and convinced me I was “bad at math”. Still to this day, I struggle with math being my friend. Unfortunately, our schools don’t reward failure as they should.

I bet you are thinking, why reward failure? Well, Failure is proof you are trying! The road to success is paved in Failure! Do you really think that you should succeed at everything the first time you try it? Nope, that’s not the way it works. Failure helps you know what not to do Next Time, but that’s the key, you must have a Next Time.

So. when you work with Failure, you’ll find he’s not that bad and he is especially helpful when you follow up with Next Time or Try Again. Those guys are the key to beating Fear!

Let’s get back to the doorway to your dreams. You get one chance at this life and darn it, you need to stand up to Fear! You can make your dreams and goals for life come true. Face Fear. Redefine Failure and meet your new friends Next Time and Try Again. Keep pushing through and Fear will fall and you will succeed. Be persistent and relentless and fight to get back that life you once dreamed about! It’s all up to you!

How to Face Fear

1) Visualize what it will look like when you are successfully moving through Fear
2) Visualize yourself as unafraid of Fear
3) Take action towards your dream/Practice failing (remember failing isn’t bad!)
4) Join our FREE group Project Big Bad Wolf. Start Here with No Fear for Next Year.

There you have it. You have now recognized the enemy of all dreams. You can face this and beat it! I know you can! I am here cheering you on! You can do it! Now, prove it to yourself and go do it!

Shine on!

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You're Never Too Old to Paradiddle

9/21/2019

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By Guest Blogger: Stefanie Huebner
Stef is an avid dance enthusiast,mother, wife, lover of flowers and life, a pharmacist and fiber artist (crochet is her passion, follow her on Insta @stefsserenitycrochet).

When we think of September, we think of many things: the start of fall, the beginning of a fresh school year, football season, and the pumpkin spice latte’s triumphant return to the coffee shop. September can also be a time for change and a fresh start within ourselves. Gretchen Rubin, in her podcast, "Happier", mentions September as being “a Second January.” With a new season and a new school year, we can start something NEW. We can set a new intention, begin a new schedule or hone a new skill.

And that’s where a Shuffle-Ball-Change and Triple Time Step have come into play for me. September 21 is National Dance Day, and it couldn’t come at a more perfect time. I’m 100% HERE FOR IT. I’ve been a fan of dance since I was 6 years old and my parents placed me in tap and jazz classes. I caught on quickly and took class for 10 years. From my first recital where I was Spunky the Monkey to the oh-so-cool jazz number we did to U Can’t Touch This, the 1980s and 1990s music and dance scene were an integral part of what made me happy.

Stefanie's Daughter - Dancer Extraordinaire

Fast forward to my thirties when my daughter showed an interest in dance. OF COURSE, I put her in Fairytale Ballet class at 3 and tap at 5. Now she’s 11 and takes class every night of the week. She dances around the house and down the aisles of the grocery store (much like her mother still does...truth). What I realized quickly when I watched her dance her heart out, was that I MISSED IT SO MUCH. I really wanted to join her in class! I love to move my body to music. So, I found myself an adult tap class, and it was glorious.

If you have never taken a tap class, I’m here to give you 5 reasons why you SHOULD. All adults need something in their lives that brings them joy. We all rush through life focusing on our career and family, and forget about what makes us tick deep down inside. Learning new things is good for the body and soul. It keeps our brains sharp and gives us some much needed “me” time to refresh for the next thing. Whether you start a tap class at age 36 like me, learn to decorate cakes, go birdwatching, or take a DSLR photography class, now is a great time to try something new just for yourself.

Stefanie and her daughter on a dance recital night.

5 Reasons to Take an Adult Tap Class:

Learning tap combinations stretches your brain and makes you think. We all know that doing puzzles and crosswords is supposed to help us maintain brain health as we age. Tap combos are the ultimate puzzle. You are picking up rhythms and repeating them with your feet. You are timing them to music. And that whole process is fun and rewarding.
It is great exercise. I can personally vouch for the fact that my heart rate was high throughout EVERY class and I was sweating like crazy. You are moving muscles at a fast rate and strengthening your legs and you don’t even realize it because you are listening to great tunes and thinking HARD!
You will have other wonderful tappers to bond with. The camaraderie that happens when you are working together on something difficult is wonderful. If you decide to perform in the kids’ recital, picking a fun song that has funny entertainment value, and then choreographing it together can be fun (I speak from experience. We did a tap dance number to It’s Raining Men. I was 37. I laughed the whole way through it). Not to mention I got to share recital day shenanigans with my daughter too!
Tap is a dance for many ages and abilities. My church growing up had a tap dance group that consisted of our aging pastor and a number of seniors. They had a blast. I’ve seen people learn tap steps while sitting in a chair and using their feet. I’ve watched numerous parent/child tap duets. Anyone can try it!
The names of the steps are a hoot. “Shirley Temple,” “Irish,” “Shim Sham,” “Paradiddle,” “Buffalo.” No other dance genre has quite the colorful array of step names. How can you not smile when you are supposed to do a Shim Sham Shuffle and a Riff, Spank, Stamp and Dig in your next combo?! And on a related note: Bonus #6 reason why you should take a tap class: Have you ever seen a sad tap number? That’s a rare thing indeed. And are the costumes ever boring? No! Tap is almost always, upbeat, happy, sparkly, and full of energy. How can you not walk away feeling the same?

If I still haven’t quite convinced you to try tap as an adult, check out some of the inspirational tappers out there right now. There are some amazing people bringing tap into the mainstream and making it even cooler than it already is. Check out the Syncopated Ladies and some of their amazing (and tiring) combos to trending tunes. Or check out Shelby Kaufman’s TAP-torials and YouTube videos. Get started in your own home! Nigel Lythgoe started National Dance Day and it’s just a fun nationwide celebration. There is a dance you can learn just for this day. Try it!

Whether you start a tap class or find another class to try, I hope you use September as a “Second January” to do something new FOR YOURSELF. It can be an hour a week or a daily practice, but continually learning new things and finding those things that bring us joy is so important for our body, mind and soul.

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Getting Sticky and Stopping the Slide: The Final Steps to the Stages of Change Model

9/19/2019

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By Erika Fehrenbach Prell

The longer you do a new behavior, the more likely it will stick and become a new habit. A habit is really the long-term goal of changing a behavior. Why? We don’t have to THINK about habits...they are just part of what we do. Once your desired behavior has become a habit, it becomes easier to keep it going. But, beware of letting your guard down, you can relapse, or akude back to old behaviors, at any stage.

Let’s explore what a habit is for a quick sec. Habits may seem like a complicated concept but they are pretty simple. Habits consist of 3 parts; a cue, a routine, and a reward. Basically, something in the outside world happens, you have a behavior associated with that something that you do, and you are rewarded.

A great example in my life is my desire to want popcorn with movies, even if I am not hungry at all. I go to the movies, I order popcorn (and eat way more than I should), and I feel content and happy (at least until I get a stomach ache from eating way too much). There are 2 ways I could help myself here. One, I could plan ahead of time, knowing I will want the popcorn and eat too much. So, I could eat a lighter meal prior to going to the movies. Another solution would be to resist buying the “deal” and get a smaller portion of popcorn. Finally, I could retrain my brain and create a new habit by replacing the action of buying popcorn with a different behavior. Remember, your brain does not like to get rid of behaviors or actions. You will be much more successful if you substitute behaviors for each other instead of just attempting to stop it. If you just stop it without substituting, you will need to rely on willpower, which fades over time.

Studies have shown that it takes on average 66 days for a new behavior to become a habit. Did you read that right? 66 days or just over 2 months! The time can vary, however, either shorter or longer time; this time differs with each person. In the Stages of Change model that we have been discussing, you have made it to the maintenance stage once you have consistently done a new behavior for 6 months or more. I like to think of the maintenance stage as the “this is what I do” or "sticking" stage.

The key to successfully maintaining a new behavior is to actively look to incorporate the new behavior into your lifestyle as well as recognizing and avoiding triggers that could put you back into relapse. This is why some behaviors are easier and faster to hit the “sticking” stage. Some behaviors require more than one change to your lifestyle than others or have been in your life longer so are harder to reprogram. For example, starting to floss your teeth regularly may only take a few days to weeks of remembering. Although, for me, the ultimate in becoming “sticky” for flossing daily was when my dental hygienist noticed a difference at my regular check up. Positive reinforcement at it’s finest! On the other hand, working out at the gym regularly may require you to incorporate it into your schedule, have childcare available or arranged, and budget the cost of the gym membership in order to hit the sticking point.

The longer a new behavior is integrated into your lifestyle, and becomes “just what you do”, the less likely you will relapse. Unfortunately, relapse can happen at any stage. And, logically, it is more likely to happen the newer the behavior is. While motivation is important to get you going on the change process, you CAN NOT rely on motivation and willpower to carry you and this new behavior to the sticking point. That is why developing strategies to overcome obstacles, recognize and remove triggers, and find a supportive environment to promote the desired change is necessary for your success.

Do not beat yourself up if you find yourself relapsing! It is so easy to do this-to get down on yourself for not being strong enough to make the change. Remember, relapsing is part of the process! I call relapse the "oops...how'd I get back here" or “sliding” phase. And, there is a definite up-side to relapse.

When you relapse, instead of beating yourself up, use this as a point to re-evaluate. There was a part of your plan that needs work. Look for unexpected obstacles, triggers, or situations that lead to you getting off track. Some common life situations that might be the cause include stress, decreased time, or a life change. Relapses are lessons to be learned from so that you can come back stronger and more prepared on your next attempt. As time passes, you will notice your new behaviors sliding into the old behaviors sooner so that you can course-correct sooner as well. So, don’t be afraid of relapse; there are no failures in life, only opportunities to learn!

An example in my life is my commitment to eating unprocessed foods. During baseball season, this can be a challenge. Often, games and practices fall during meal time. Not only that, but, there is either a game or practice nearly every night of the week. I am all about supporting the local team by purchasing concessions, however, hot dogs and walking tacos should be on the occasional list and not multiple times weekly. Through trial and error, I have found several strategies that help including preparing meals ahead of time that are fast to reheat, finding creative ideas for on-the-go dinners, and, most importantly, planning ahead.

The goal with changing a behavior is to create new habits that are integrated into your everyday life. Understanding where you are in the change process (contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance), strategies to move forward, how to maintain, and what to do when you start to slide into relapse are the keys to making lasting behavior change and developing new habits. Taking the time to do the work required and working with your mind, instead of against it, will increase your chance of success. You got this!

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Me. The Story of a Tired Mom Who Has Lost Her Way and Possibly Her Mind Too.

9/16/2019

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By Jackie White

She wakes before everyone else to enjoy a bit of coffee before the chaos kicks into high gear. In this time, she doesn’t think too much of what she plans to accomplish for herself. She needs to focus on what needs to be done. Assessing the day’s needs like laundry, cooking, cleaning, picking up the kids, dropping off the kids and helping with homework occupies her time. She doesn’t really mind, she says because her family is the top priority. She would never be ungrateful for her children and husband, but every now and then she catches a glimpse of the woman in the mirror and she doesn’t recognize her. She is fairly sure she doesn’t recognize her, but then again she faintly remembers that she once knew her…

Women have a special place in life. When a woman is young, she has been provided opportunities to pursue whatever she wants in life. Maybe it’s a career in business or law or hairdressing, the only parameter is what she is interested in. She begins her career and starts to climb the ladder. She works hard and takes on the challenges and puts in the long hours. She wears pantsuits and jackets and carries her Starbucks into the office and manages lots of paper. She is getting in the groove of her life. She is proud of her accomplishments and works to recognize that many women before her may not have had these opportunities. She feels fortunate. Then as life is “supposed to go” she meets Prince Charming. They get married, and the wheels begin to turn. This is when it starts.

Soon, there comes the 2.5 children, the mini-van and the white picket fence, that actually needs painting, but hasn’t made it to the top of the To Do List yet! She’s the Mom. She’s the family manager and all life’s activities revolve around her ability to organize and execute against a massively complicated spreadsheet of activities. There are the dance lessons, that cost an arm and a leg and oh by the way, require her to purchase a tutu, find specialized ballet and tap shoes and sew a costume by next Monday! Did anyone tell the dance teacher that she can’t even sew on a button? She knows what to do, she’ll just Pinterest it! There’s got to be a no-sew costume she can fashion out of a trash bag or something! She will peruse Pinterest right after soccer practice which happens twice a week across town during after work traffic. Practice ends at 8:30 PM and she needs to cook dinner, help with homework and say hello to her spouse before she can begin the hunt for a no sew costume. Maybe she will wait until the weekend-end, but no, she remembers the weekends-ends, are a tad bit busy with 80 soccer games that play in 3 different communities on Saturday and all of Sunday.

She’s busy. Busy is good – right? She is juggling the activities and loving her children as they grow. She listens to their dreams and lets them know they can be anything they want to be. That’s when it hits her. Where did her dreams go? Where did she go? As much as she loves being Johnny’s mom, she’s forgotten what her name really is.

She feels bad because her spouse pays the price too. The kids need her focus and he takes a backseat. She can’t keep all the balls in the air. They do date night on occasion and she’s happy if she has a shower before she throws on the yoga pants and walks out the door bare-faced. She remembers thinking she’d never be one of those moms who looked disheveled and confused. Where is her Glam-Squad? Does she even own any clothes that don’t have stains? She tries to enjoy the time with her husband and her night off of cooking. Well, it’s not really a night off because she had to make something for the kids before they left. She explains it away as it’s kind of a night off from cooking. Right? She tries to remember what they talked about before kids, but she can’t seem to dust her brain off enough to expand into those lost corners that house intellectual conversation. Instead she says something about somebody pooping their pants and that the drain is plugged. Ugh.

In between caring for her children and her husband, she must keep a watch over her parents. They need help with shopping and errands. She visits them and nods her head to her mother’s tales of retirement. “Darn Velma keeps screwing up her Bingo cards and that Ethyl needs to quit complaining about every last GD ache she has”! Don’t get her wrong, she is blessed to have her parents with her yet, but the care of them has fallen upon her. She makes the best of it and hopes their health stays stable. She can handle the 50 calls a day from her dad telling her there is a recall on shredded lettuce or from her mom who thought something terrible had happened since she hadn’t heard from her “in a while”. It’s only been 2 hours, but it’s ok. She wonders, how did I get here?

It’s true, this story is much like many moms out there who wonder where they went? Who were they before kids? Are they anything else besides a mom anymore? Again, knowing that the job of being a mother is possibly the most important job there is, it can feel like you have lost you somewhere in the shuffle. The raising of kids is really a seasonal gig, the catch is, the seasons keep changing and you don’t know what’s coming down the pipeline. That is, you finally have a schedule for getting the baby to sleep and the toddler has stopped roaming the house at night. You enjoy what you think will be Life from then on for about 3.7 days and then one of the two decide it’s time to move on to another challenge in life such as insisting on a drink of water 62 times a night. All of us moms get it. So how come we all tend to lose ourselves, but no one really talks about it?

The time has come to talk about it. It’s your life too and you need to carve out some time for you to be you. Because raising kids takes varied amounts of effort and time, the time you can carve out for yourself may be only a small amount at first, but will increase as the kids get older. So, how do you start taking care of yourself?

1. Take time to remember who you were and what your dreams are. Try doing the 100 Dreams exercise to jog
your memory: Write down 100 things you have accomplished or want to accomplish.
2. Exercise – start with 10 minutes.
3. Yoga – exercise and quiet your mind. This is like a mini vacation.
4. Meditate – start with 5 minutes. You will be amazed how centered you feel.
5. Journal – write your gratitude, intentions and/or write after meditating to capture your quieted mind
thoughts.
6. Get a Massage: even if you have to do a quick massage in the middle of the mall at one of the kiosks.
7. Read a book – Not a kids book! One you choose to read.
8. Get out of the house – shop, walk, just get in another space.
9. Get together with a friend. Laugh and be carefree!
10. Make an Absolute No List: this list is your pre-determined list of things you will no longer accept in your
life. For example: I will no longer volunteer for everything. I will no longer accept that I must manage all
household duties myself.

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Change Doesn't Have to Be Hard. Here is the Key to Conquer Roadblocks and Welcome Change into Your Life.

9/13/2019

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By Erika Fehrenbach Prell

How do you feel when you hear the word change? Do you get excited for new possibilities? Or, do you feel dread? I am willing to bet the answer is; it depends since very few things in life are black and white. Change definitely falls in the gray area!

As holds true with any dynamic situation, change is an unavoidable part of life. There are changes that happen that we cannot control and must deal with - changes in season, kids moving into another grade or school, changes in our job structure. We learn to roll with these changes because we have to; these are placed in our lives from an external force, not by our choice, so we deal with the change and figure it out. The changes that we might consider as hard are the ones that we must choose to take action on changing - eating healthy, exercising more, quitting smoking, finding a new career path that fulfills us or isn’t toxic. These are internally-motivated changes; change we think should happen to improve our situation. Whether these changes ignite excitement or dread completely depends on our mindset and the stage of change we find ourselves in. Understanding how to move from one stage of change to another make change not only easier but also welcome and exciting!

In my previous blog post, “Struggling With Changing A Behavior? Here is the Answer to Why It is Not Your Fault”, I explained there is a stages of change model in psychology that can be a helpful tool in overcoming roadblocks to changing a behavior. I would like to dive a little deeper into three of the stages - Contemplation, the “hmmm...let’s look into this” stage, Preparation, the “getting ready” stage, and Action, the “ready, set, go” stage.

Contemplation and Preparation often happen at the same time. Contemplation is the thinking through why you want to change your behavior while Preparation is focused on developing strategies to make the new behavior successful. Why do I think it is important to mention this? Because failure to successfully change a behavior is often due to skipping Preparation and trying to go from thinking and deciding that a new behavior is better in Contemplation to doing the new behavior in the Action stage. To achieve a new behavior, and make it actually stick, spending time to prepare an action plan increases your likelihood of success. You need to shift your mindset around this new behavior, and time spent preparing yourself and devising action steps will pay off.
Want some guidelines on thinking and preparing? Here is a roadmap to change with strategies and exercises to set you up for success in changing a behavior. Remember, the bigger the change, the more time you may need to spend on these steps.

Research the topic using reputable sources, not popular opinion.
Make a pros and cons list of changing your behavior. How can you use the pros in your favor? How can you turn the cons around?
Visualize the long term gain by making the change. If this is a better situation than not making the change, this can be a powerful shift in mindset.
Evaluate for roadblocks and brainstorm ways to overcome them. Common roadblocks may include time, money, lack of support, and lack of belief in yourself or the value of the change. Remove anticipated obstacles, if possible. For example, if you are wanting to eat healthy, get rid of junk food and replace with healthy options. Getting rid of obstacles, especially in the beginning, can be helpful.
Track and celebrate your progress, no matter how small. This is the most overlooked and underestimated strategy for changing a behavior.
Find a supportive person, group, or community. Support is crucial for the process of change from start to finish. Want to up the game? Find an accountability partner! Someone who won’t let you off the hook. This is a #gamechanger.
Map out a plan of action. Helpful topics to include are when you will start the change, how you will measure it, how you will keep checking in on progress, and how will you stay on track

In some cases you may be able to start executing a change before completely moving through this roadmap. Say, what??? Some changes can be eased into while you are thinking and preparing. For example, say the change you want to make is to eat healthier. While you are preparing, you could institute a few small changes while you prepare for the big launch like drinking more water and less coffee or soda, exchanging chips for fruit, eating out less. This might actually help you long term instead of changing everything at once.

Okay, you have thought and thought and planned and mapped and prepared, and today is the day to start! Who-hoo!!! It is “Ready, Set, Go!” time; you are finally doing something! Here are a few tips for success as you put your new behavior into action:

Replace old behaviors with new behaviors. Let’s be real, it’s nearly impossible to get rid of a behavior completely. Your mind does not like the gap in routine. Instead, replacing an old behavior with a new behavior is more likely to lead to success. Another strategy is to associate a new behavior with a well-established behavior so that you don’t forget to do it. A classic example would be to floss your teeth when you brush your teeth.
Pay attention to triggers and your mindset. For example, if you know you get hungry at a certain time of day, have a healthy snack ready so you are less likely to hit the vending machine. Similarly, if you know you there is a certain time of day that you are more likely to do the new behavior, plan accordingly. Exercise is a great example; some people like to exercise first thing in the morning while others prefer evening.
Small steps in the right direction add up to big results over time. To truly change a behavior and shift your mindset takes time. Patience, persistence, and consistency will get you where you want to be.
Reassess your progress and plan frequently. This will allow you to make adjustments to reach your outcome.

Thinking, preparing, and action - these are your keys to conquering roadblocks and shifting your mindset to welcome change instead of dreading it. Stick with this process and put in the work, and you will have remarkable results. As your new behaviors become habits, you will go from thinking about the change to "it's just what I do". Catch the details on the final pieces of the stages of change model, Maintenance and Relapse, next week. Until then, friends, shine on!

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Find That Thing You Were Meant to Do. Old Dominion, Sets the Example.

9/11/2019

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By Jackie White

I had the good fortune to be invited to a concert by a friend recently. I had heard of the band and thought, yeah, this could be fun. The concert was held at a State Fair, so we indulged in the greasy fair food and rode the sky tram like all good fair go-ers would do. What I didn’t realize was that I was soon to be introduced to a group of guys who would inspire me beyond my expectations. These guys are Matthew Ramsey, Trevor Rosen, Brad Tursi, Whit Sellers and Geoff Sprung. Names I had never heard of before individually, but together they are the band Old Dominion, the band we had come to see.

Old Dominion is a band that is making a name for itself on the country music scene. I am no music critic, I just know what I like, and these guys I like. What struck me immediately is that they are seriously talented musicians. They harmonize like crazy, they play their instruments like they are extensions of their beings and their songs have creative lyrical intertwinings.

I enjoyed hearing Old Dominion on the radio but didn’t really know them until I experienced one of their concerts. Besides their glaringly obvious talent, what I noticed was that they were genuinely appreciative of the crowd’s response to their music. The lead singer, Matthew Ramsey was visibly moved when the crowd sang their lyrics back to them. He even took a moment to acknowledge how amazed he was that the crowd knew the lyrics to a song they recently released. He took time to thank the crowd. I was impressed, but that’s not what this is all about.

At one point during the performance Ramsey, Rosen and Tursi took the stage to introduce us to their story. Each of these guys landed in Nashville as songwriters. They wrote individually and over time, each experienced having one of their songs go to number one. Very impressive. They were given the opportunity to form a band. They shared how they played any dive that would take them, they even paid to play at some venues. They explained how they had played every size venue in the state we were in and the current venue was one of the largest they had played.

As they spoke, you could almost feel the enthusiasm and pride they had for their jobs. But there was something more, something intangible that made these guys great . Then, it hit me, these guys are living their dream. That was the thing. This what living your dream looks like. Passionately living their dream. I began to see that they were loving what they were doing. It was clear. A lot of hard work got them to where they are today, but when you are living your dream, it’s not work. It’s gratitude, it’s fulfilling, it’s joy, love and certainty. The energy is unmistakable.

I began to wonder how many of us can actually use those words to describe what we are doing in life?

It seems almost impossible.
Until you find it.
Then it’s all that.

How do you find it? Some people say not all of us have a passion. Not all of us have a purpose. I don’t buy it. We all have it. I found the best description of what I am talking about in this excerpt from Jess Allen:

“That thing you do, after your day job, in your free time, too early in the morning, too late at night. That thing you read about, write about, fantasize about, That thing you do when you’re all alone and there’s no one to impress, nothing to prove, no money to be made, simply a passion to pursue. That’s it. That’s your thing. That’s your heart, your guide. That’s the thing you must, must do.”

Yup, that’s it Friends. You gotta go get it! You want power in your life? Find your dream. When you find it, you find you. You too will radiate confidence and certainty.

One thing you should be warned about though. As with the band Old Dominion, dreams don’t come free. The reality is these guys have been around awhile and have carefully honed their craft in playing their instruments, vocalizing and writing music. They make it look easy, but their talent didn’t happen overnight. They had to juggle their ambitions with paying the bills. They had the grit to push through the tough times and kept their eye on the prize. These guys didn’t just roll up yesterday and are headlining major venues today. I think many of us tend to want to rock star our way into the fame, fortune or whatever dream we want to “come true”. Listen, there isn’t a Fairy Godmother who is going to wave a wand. You have to do the work. You have to put one foot in front of the other every single day! The good news is that if you do make daily efforts towards your life’s purpose, you will find happiness and fulfillment. The “work” doesn’t feel like work. The journey itself is rewarding because you are igniting the flame that has been lying dormant deep down inside you.

One last bit to share from Old Dominion. This is lead singer, Matthew Ramsey speaking to a crowd. His speech conveys how thankful they are to be able to live their dream:

"I don't know what it is. It’s not really just one thing. It’s something about you guys that pretty much embodies everything that we're proud of for being in this band. I mean, here we are miles and miles and miles away from where we live and we are greeted with the most genuine smiles and a room full of people on their feet dancing and not only that, there’s like kids and older people and everything in between. It’s an amazing thing to feel that our music is reaching such a broad range of people enjoying our music. So, thank you for that.”

He says he “doesn’t know what it is”. I do, it is the pursuit of their dream, it’s their thing.

I want you to find the thing you were meant to do. I know that when you engage in yourself, life will be in technicolor and you will suddenly realize that it was always there just waiting for you. Your true self is waiting for you to open the door and walk through. This is your invitation, your wake-up call, your kick in the butt. So, what are you waiting for? Go find it and do it. That thing you are meant to do.

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Struggling With Changing A Behavior? Here Is The Answer To Why It Is Not Your Fault.

9/8/2019

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By Erika Fehrenbach Prell

Have you ever struggled to start something new? Even something as easy as making time to read? And, when you fail to start this new behavior, do you beat yourself up? Maybe something like, “How hard is it to…insert the seemingly small or incredibly huge life change". I’m here to tell you, it’s not your fault! This is not a free pass, however, to avoid attempting said change, especially if it is beneficial to your health and wellness.

In case you didn’t hear me the first time, it’s not your fault! Give yourself grace, but, as a good friend of mine recently said, there is a very fine line between giving yourself grace and making excuses. Let’s be real.

In order to change a behavior, no matter the size, you need effort, persistence, and time as well as the right mindset. If you are not in the right mindset, or stage of change, you will not be able to succeed in the behavior change, no matter how small it may seem. Recognizing which stage you are in is extremely helpful. If you know the stage, you can use strategies to move your mindset towards being ready for change. And, I know we would all like a magic wand so that effort, persistence, and time weren’t a factor, but, alas, not possible. Be wary, my friends, of all things that promise a quick fix without doing the work. Quick fixes are often followed by quick “un-fixes”, if you catch my drift.

In cognitive theory, there is a model of change that involves five stages of change – precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. There is a sixth piece, called relapse, that can cycle in and out of any of the other stages. Did you catch that? You can relapse at ANY and ALL stages. See? Not your fault! This is the way the brain works. The key is to work WITH this cycle and not against it to achieve a lasting change in behavior.

The precontemplation stage can show up two ways; either you have no idea there is another option for a certain behavior or you have recognized a change is needed but you are not ready to make the change. I like to think of this stage as the, “Yeah...I’m good” mindset. To move out of this stage, you need to realize there is another way to do things and be open-minded to a new way. This often will come from an outside source like social media, the news, or friends and family. Remember? You have no idea that there is a different way so you need exposure from somewhere else.

The contemplation stage is where you recognize that you need to change a behavior and start getting ready to make the change. This is the, “Hmmm...let’s look into this” mindset. You have realized there might be another way, and you are curious to find out more information; you are exploring the what and the why behind this possible new change. Finding out information is the biggest way to shift from thinking about making a change to putting steps into action to make the change. Thinking about the pros and cons in making the change is very helpful to see if you are ready to move forward.

Next is the preparation stage. At this point in the change game, you have realized there is a better way, and now you are actively looking into the how behind making this change. This is the “Getting ready” mindset. This is where you might look into strategies or information on how to make the change happen. An important but often overlooked strategy in this step would be to also explore possible excuses and ways to overcome these excuses so that these do not derail you.

In the action stage, you are actively changing the behavior. This is the “Ready, Set, GO!” mindset. You are putting all your plans into action. A great way to keep your momentum moving forward is to keep track of your progress, break large goals into smaller and easier to achieve goals, and to celebrate when milestones are hit, even if they appear small.

In the maintenance stage, you are maintaining the new behavior. This is where the new change has become a habit; it’s the “This is what I do” mindset. You don’t have to think about the behavior any longer. This takes time and persistence, dear friends, so stick with it! Studies have shown on average it takes around 66 days for a new behavior to become a habit. And in this change model, a behavior isn’t considered in maintenance until you have consistently done it for 6 months. This is not to deter you but to keep it real. If you want lasting change, you have to put in the time and effort. There are no shortcuts.

And, you guessed it, in the relapse stage, you have taken a step back into the old behavior; it’s the “Oops...how did I get back here?” mindset. Do not grow weary or beat yourself up on finding yourself in relapse! (Relapse, not rehab...lol). This is part of the game. And, let’s be real, life happens! The bigger the change, the more likely chance you will have a relapse. The key is to recognize that it happened and evaluate where you might have went wrong. This is valuable information that you can learn from so, when you are ready, you can restart and be prepared for this pitfall.

Why did I feel this information is important? In my career as a nurse practitioner, I have seen this model in action all the time. People realize they need to change or want to change but it just won’t stick. This particularly happens with a huge scary life event like a heart attack. They beat themselves up for not being “strong” enough to change their behavior or they get frustrated or their family starts getting on their case to change. But, they just can’t do it, so they give up. And, the cycle goes on or worsens. Here’s the thing, even with a life threatening illness, if you aren’t in the right mindset to change, if you don’t go through these phases, your likelihood of success is very low, almost impossible. Your willpower is not strong enough to overcome ingrained habits unless you work on your mindset. You need to change your belief system from what you were to where you want to be to really change the habits for good.

Phew...drop the mic, lesson over! Check back soon for strategies to move from one stage to another. Your first step to making change is to realize where you are in this cycle so you have a direction on where to go next. You got this!

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To Be Changed For Good - The Story of a Life-Changing Friendship

9/4/2019

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By Jackie White

The song “For Good” from the musical Wicked is one of those songs that for me elicits automatic tears. It hits me in the soul in a sad, but good way. The song is about meeting someone in your life who by the very virtue of them stepping into your life, you have been changed for the better.

Do you have someone like that in your life? Someone, who found their way to you, and you are no longer the same since you met them. This person helped you to see the world in a different way. Maybe they inspired you to live a better life. Sometimes people walk right into your life and unbeknownst to you, they profoundly affect the way you will look at life or be in life from that time on.

Those people could be anyone. They could be someone who you have become close to over time or it could be a chance encounter. I believe these people cross our paths with a predestined plan from above. God has sent them to touch our world in such a profound way, we are no longer the same after meeting them. I want to focus on how this can play out in a positve manner, but obviously, some people affect our lives in a negative manner too.

When you look across anyone’s life, it is clear we all have people who have changed us for the good. It could be a teacher, a boss, a relative, a friend or maybe even a complete stranger. Whoever it was they somehow made a significant impact on your life. I’ve read stories of how this can play out. It might be the words a teacher said to a child that made them believe in themselves or as in my case, it was a friend, my best friend, who touched my heart in so many ways. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize how much until she was gone.

Her name was Theresa. I want to tell you about her because she was someone really special, and I think her story can affect you "For Good", too. I met her in high school when we sat next to each other freshman year. We decided we liked each other because we were both weird. She was totally preppy back in High School. Her flipped up collars, multiple turtlenecks and docksider shoes were classic Theresa. We laughed because she always wore too much blush and although she longed for huge 80’s hair she wore a very conservative bob cut. She was outgoing, kind, smart, resourceful and damn funny. She couldn’t dance, but suggested that if I taught her to dance, she’d teach me to cook. I thought that was an excellent plan!

Theresa taught me that sometimes in life you are dealt a hand that requires you to grow up before you should have to. She taught me that even though your circumstances haven’t offered you the world on a platter, you work hard and can pull yourself up. She taught me how to be a friend. She taught me that being a friend could be more than just hanging out;, it was like having a new part to your family. Theresa taught me the art of sarcasm, and we laughed our way through high school or at least I thought we did.

I thought I knew everything about Therese – I always called her Therese. I knew she could sew; I knew she could play the piano, I knew which boys she liked in high school, I knew she was pretty much not afraid to give anyone shit. She liked Taco John potatoe ole's tater tots and Paisans was her favorite restaurant. I knew she loved vanilla frozen custard with pecans on the top. I knew she didn’t know how to say “I have a headache” in French because when she raised her hand to tell our French teacher that, she instead asked to go to the nurse because she had a “head of shit”! That was funny. That was Therese. I knew she liked listening to the album "The Best of Bread" and loved the musical "Wicked". I knew she was uber responsible.

I knew all of these things about Therese, but what I didn’t know was that she had depression. No one would have ever guessed. She was an overachiever. She worked several jobs in high school to pay for her glasses and her own braces. She got good grades and made her way successfully thorough college and eventually became a physician’s assistant. From a distance I saw perfection. I saw she was doing life right along the path she had planned, and it was perfect.

As we became adults, we no longer lived near each other and saw each other infrequently, but she was still that friend that we could just pick up where we left off. We were always laughing and joking. I look back and feel a little deceived and sad that she never really told me what was going on. I know she didn’t mean to be deceitful. It was just something she was struggling with that no one really talked about, but it’s hard not to feel like a false friend because I didn’t notice the pain she was in. Theresa went on to marry and have three beautiful children. She, her husband and kids moved to Colorado and lived in a gorgeous home near the mountains. On the outside, everything looked great. It’s only in retrospect, I can see that life was getting increasingly difficult for her. I am not sure any of us knew just how difficult.

At age 43, Therese took her own life. I was stunned, shocked and wondered how did this happen? She and I were supposed to grow old together and play bingo and crack wise-ass jokes. Instead, she needed to go. She left her family. She left me. She left us all. Those of us she left behind, still are asking “Why”? A fact, I am aware of today is that every 40 seconds, someone is asking ”Why”?

To many of us the thought of suicide is incomprehensible. How do you cut short the potential? How do you not use the gifts God gave you? It’s a dark place to be to in when depression overtakes your soul. I once heard an explanation that illustrates maybe the best how it feels to be in this place. Imagine the house is on fire and the heat is getting so hot that it becomes unbearable. You step to the window and you don’t want to jump because it could kill you, but it’s better than feeling the heat, so you jump. That’s how suicide happens. The pain of existence becomes so unbearable that to die is the only relief. It’s not much solace for those of us who are left to feel the emptiness of the aftermath of suicide, but it does help to explain it.

September is Suicide Awareness Month
Here are the stats:

1 in 5 adults will experience mental illness this year.
It is more prevalent than most of us think it is.
The increase of social media use has contributed to the increase in depression and anxiety.
More than 41,000 people a year in the United States choose to take their lives.
Even though this story’s ending is sad, I know that Therese would want us to focus on the happy. That is the message she has left for us. Theresa’s brief time here on Earth, was ironically filled with life lessons for us all.

Life Lessons That Can Change Us For Good

Live life out loud
Laughter is good for the soul
Sarcasm is an art
Have fun in all that you do
Wearing a lot of blush isn’t a crime
Being a good friend is one of the best things you can be in life
Work hard to achieve your dreams
Learn everything you can
Be thoughtful
Tell people you love them
If dancing isn’t your forte, then try cooking
Be resourceful
Be strong and find a way and when you need help, ask

I don’t want this list of possibilities in life to avoid probably the most important lessons we need to learn:
Mental health issues shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of.
Help stop the stigma of mental health issues and speak up on behalf of those who are affected.
If you are feeling depressed, get help immediately. Reach out to a friend, medical professional or call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
Suicide is never a good idea.
Your life matters.

So, to Therese, I’ll close with this excerpt from the song “For Good”:
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Epilogue

Theresa’s death changed me "For Good". I choose to focus on what good came out of this to me personally:
Theresa showed me what a real friend was. She actually flew across the country to help me out when my step daughter was battling brain cancer. She cleaned my house top to bottom, and I am sure it has never been that clean since. I have to mention her sense of humor again because she was so awesomely sarcastic and witty! She was second to none! She wasn’t afraid to say what others were thinking. She just said it and the rest of us would crack up. She knew God, and she lived her life in accordance to helping others out. Ironically, she wasn’t afraid to really live life out loud. She went for it and achieved much in her short time here on Earth.

Since she has left, I have forged a great friendship with one of her best friends from childhood. She and I honor Therese every year by eating at her favorite restaurant and having her favorite ice cream. I’ve become close with Theresa’s family too. I’ve learned that we all don’t always have the chemical make-up to “just be happy”.

Depression is a real threat and talk of suicide should always be treated as serious. The dialogue in our house has always been very open and honest when discussing mental health issues. That has been very good for my kids as they have been touched by friends having mental health issues. I thank Theresa for all of this and more. When I see her again, I will want to kick her butt for leaving us, but instead will hug her, thank her for being my friend and we will have a laugh together again.

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soulshining - the blog

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The Best Made Plans

Career Advising

Family Expansion, a World Away

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When Did You Begin to Fear Your Own Life?

How to Face Fear

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Getting Sticky and Stopping the Slide: The Final Steps to the Stages of Change Model

Me. The Story of a Tired Mom Who Has Lost Her Way and Possibly Her Mind Too.

Change Doesn't Have to Be Hard. Here is the Key to Conquer Roadblocks and Welcome Change into Your Life.

Find That Thing You Were Meant to Do. Old Dominion, Sets the Example.

Struggling With Changing A Behavior? Here Is The Answer To Why It Is Not Your Fault.

To Be Changed For Good - The Story of a Life-Changing Friendship

September is Suicide Awareness Month
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Life Lessons That Can Change Us For Good

Epilogue

Authors

Archives

Categories

soulshining - the blog

Childhood and Purpose

Love & Marriage Here Comes Baby in the Baby Carriage

The Best Made Plans

Career Advising

Family Expansion, a World Away

More Change Isn’t Always Good

Perspective and Proactivity

How to Face Fear

September is Suicide Awareness MonthHere are the stats:

Life Lessons That Can Change Us For Good

Epilogue

Authors

Archives

Categories

Love & Marriage
Here Comes Baby in the Baby Carriage

September is Suicide Awareness Month
Here are the stats: